Diary? Yeah, sure. Diary. Because I’m sure this will go all kinds of wander/wonder places. Pull your socks up, it’s sure to get messy.
::::::: Chronological-ish :::::::
Dear Diary,
April, May and June have been too full. I have missed the calm that Covid Time forced on our days.
For most of March we eagerly awaited college decisions and on Ivy Day, Ramona got into Columbia—IN N.Y.C. ! It’s a great offer. We’re so proud, so thankful, and a little hesitant. We’re all going into this blind as the only school she toured was Santa Clara when she was in Berkeley last summer. Ramona and I have never been to NY and Roland has not been since he was in High School. This map helped me understand the scale of Manhattan and give it some context to a city I know and understand. This usually capable and in-charge mom feels a little out of her league with this. And at the same time so happy for her— I had the same dream to move to NYC at her age. We’re taking lots of advice about this first visit to drop her off for Fall semester.
Events after learning about Columbia: Ramona had an art show, went to prom with her girlfriends, attended senior ditch and last day festivities, went to Spain, got Covid, had to stay in a hotel room on her own, boiled eggs in the electric tea kettle, came home, wrote and presented her Capstone Project, enjoyed a full week of senior activities, honored at school awards ceremony, commencement ceremony, grad party, 18th birthday, got a job, continues to finalize Columbia paperwork and see friends most nights. I had my last volunteer shift at a school— maybe ever. That’s a big chapter closing. I’ve been in charge of a school garden, helped with many events, volunteered to pitch hit on the fly and this last stint as cashier in the school supply store.
The end of school events were both fun and incredibly stressful. I have always dreaded the month of May. It signifies school wrapping up, extra events, extra volunteering, extra money requested, extra driving… and then really ramp that up the year your kid graduates! I need to warn all my mom friends with youngsters. In preparation for Ramona’s graduation celebration we worked many a weekend on the long list of improvements around the house. Finalizing food, logistics, people, it was a swirl of activity. We began young adult power of attorney paperwork and there are lists everywhere: things to pack for NY, things to see in NY, doctor appointments, contact fittings, thank you cards to be written, cards to other seniors who graduated, more more more. The piles of paper get moved from coffee table, to dining table, to the floor and when the house has to look good I throw them in my office closet. This chaos has also been front of mind… things have not felt stable.
Dear Diary,
We’ve had friends visit from Colorado and California and California. The casita has been very busy, sometimes I wonder how many beds I will have made by the end of my life. We’ve enjoyed nice guests who find a little respite in our space and town. I’m still a Super Host. We mulched the plants. We attended a wonderful graduation party for one of Ramona’s oldest friends, Miel. Her mom is one of MY oldest ABQ friends. Many of Miel’s friends were there and for those of us who just see teenagers come and go, it was an absolute treat. I asked them questions, they played board games and then they spontaneously played music for over an hour with all the great instruments around the house. I’m so happy for this young lady, she’s off to another East Coast Ivy. These girls aimed high! I went on a wonderful historic home tour with friends. It’s been H.O.T. —— need rain.
Dear Diary,
I have not done much with my business. I have not posted on my Instagram feed since May 11 and guess what? It feels good. And actually it has not mattered much in terms of sales! Read that again, fellow business owners. My sabbatical from the relentless hamster wheel of social media has been a great relief to my days and brain. I have also not been searching for that artificially shallow dopamine hit. Unfortunately, I have also not sent my newsletter out for 2.9 months now. I care so much about writing them and connecting with customers and shops. I’m disappointed in myself but realize now that some things have just had to give during these last 3 months. I’m still filling orders for wholesale, it’s satisfying to know that my stock of staples is still doing well for these shops since I’m not someone who has monthly or regular releases. On brand: evergreen.
Dear Diary,
Roland took an unexpected trip to California to say goodbye to his oldest and best friend Dave. He and his wife and daughter had such an important role in our move back to CA and in our lives there for 17 years. It’s a heartbreaking loss that happened too quickly, too unexpectedly. I can still hear Dave’s hearty laugh in my head. Who ever knows when the last time you’ll see someone is? My friend Ellie from Berkeley also recently died… she was such a kind and compassionate soul, I never knew much of her artistic past that’s in the article, what a humble person. The loss of these two beautiful people is immense. I have been regretful that I have not kept in better touch with either of them and I have a new resolve to pick up the phone more often.
Dear Diary,
The terrible war against Ukraine keeps going. Why are we not responding more strongly? ===== New Mexico is on fire. The worst fires in New Mexico history that could have been avoided. Centuries old villages and a way of life threatened by 5-6 massive fires all around the state but especially in Northern New Mexico. This has been set up to help. ===== Oh no, little children and teachers killed in Uvalde, TX! I have so many friends who are teachers, they must be so scared today, how are they expected to teach? The news gets worse as they describe the chain of events and ineptitude… it’s unfathomable. How do these families go on?! ===== Now a Roe draft has been leaked, now overturned as expected. Wait, what year do we live in again? Incredulous, angry, fearful of that slippery slope that this could mean. Will voting really help turn everything around? I’ll be up for camping. What if all women went on strike? What if all MEN who supported women went on strike? What happened to our faith in Biden and Harris? I’m so disillusioned. But Thank you, Governor Lujan Grisham. This country is so broken and full of shame.
Dear Diary,
If you are still listening… in the background of all these beautiful life milestones and on top of the imploding world we live in, I’ve been dealing with a legal matter. Since the beginning of this year. It’s honestly been terrifying. The feeling of being a target, bullied by this claim has been one of the most emotionally wrenching mind f*cks of my life. I found this episode of Armchair Expert that speaks pretty well to this and the litigious culture we live in. In the last three months especially I’ve lost sleep. I’ve been unable to work, I’ve had stomach aches, heart burn, I literally lost my voice at one point just as we were about to make a phone call to deal with said problem. This really caught my attention. My body has taken the brunt of this threat to my livelihood. Hives, chest pain and swollen parts of my face finally landed me in urgent care when I was desperate for help. In my Instagram stories I wrote about this and actually asked for PRAYERS. I was feeling like Alice falling down the well, overwhelmed by the uncertainty and completely unable to handle the heaps of personal and world suffering. Almost immediately I received so many messages of support. People genuinely wanting to help by sending up their form of good energy, juju and light. They also quelled my feeling of forsaken disgrace. Turns out this is much more common among my pals than I would have thought. These generous extensions of comfort HAVE helped! For now, this topic is on hold but it’s been handled. I will not crawl out of my skin as I had once thought, but I WILL instead crawl my way back to normalcy.
Life has gotten in the way of my business but I’m not sorry for my choices. My child will only be 18 once. There are home cooked family dinners to enjoy, there are TV shows to finish with her, car rides to New Mexico landscapes, dreams to share and fears to express. My business will still be here; I’m excited to get back on the creative wagon, and maybe I can find a new (willing) model. Through all of this my mom, husband and closest friends have been by my side, supporting and listening. Absorbing that spillover of emotions and grief. I am so grateful for them.
The second half of this year should look pretty different as an empty nester, but I’m trying to stay in the here and now. It’s getting more savory.
